Passion, Longing, Secretive, Friendship & Care...

Before you read this, look up at the sky tonight and find a star that fascinates you and remember that star...

There were ancient philosophers who believed that everything we did, said, and lived, personified itself in some form or another.

Take the stars for example. They believed that every single star represented all the positive emotions that you feel. The more intense the feeling, the brighter the star.

So when you start to feel fascinated, a star begins to shine. And that star will only get as bright as the intensity of your feelings. It may start off as a soft gentle flicker. But as you feel yourself becoming more fascinated, that star will begin to warm and build to a strong and steady glow.

The philosophers must have been true romantics as well. Because they believed that if you happened to feel that fascination, and create that soothing glow while with someone, that you not only begin to feel an amazing connection with this person, but that the star was now a combined result of the energy that is now shared.

So as you feel that growing connection, this voice goes inside of you and serves to remind you of the connection you now have with this person you are with.

The philosophers also believed that the same held true for your thoughts. That if you were to have certain thoughts and ideas, a star would appear and the connection would grow stronger with whomever you were with in that moment. A connection you can feel right here in your heart.

This was an incredibly powerful thing and served to connect these two people when one set off on a great journey or off to battle.

The intense connection that they shared stayed with them even when apart.

And it was traditional then that a warrior give the woman a small bottle before departing. She would keep this bottle at all times and grasps it faithfully when she would look up at the stars the ones that they alone shared. And when she would cry for her warrior, she would save the tears inside the bottle.

If the warrior had survived the battle, he would look upon the bottle. And if the bottle were filled up inside, he knew that she had continued to feel that connection just as he had.

Should tragedy strike however and the warrior fell in battle, the woman would do whatever it takes to find him. And upon reaching the sight of his burial she would open the bottle and pour out the tears right onto his grave.

This would release his spirit and make her feel warm inside, for now when she gazed upon the stars she knew that more than just feeling a deep connection, the warrior was now in the stars, keeping them brightly shining.

In Her Eyes...

"What am I?" I ask myself as we're sitting there in the car with the windows covered with condensation. I know the answer yet I refuse to accept it. I'm still in the denial phase. Before it was sad, next it would be angry, then finally I'll find peace. Or that's what someone told me. A part of me doesn't accept that theory. A big part of me wants to prove it wrong.

Something happened today that made me both excited, sad, and worried at the same time. Now I'm stuck thinking about it, and what would happen when it all comes out later. What does He have planned for me? I always in a way knew His plans, but now I'm totally at His mercy.

I said things I never knew were in me. I said things that I've always held back for whatever reason. I've said things I shouldn't have and have now learnt from it. And I've said things that were my sincerest feelings.

I look into her eyes to search for something. I find it and I'm happy even with something so small. She asks me what it was I was looking for. I tell her something that doesn't really make sense. She's not satisfied but is content and doesn't probe me anymore. I'm off the hook. Thing is...

In her eyes, I'm somebody new

In her eyes, I feel both love and pain

In her eyes, I can move mountains and shield the world

In her eyes, I am lost in this feeling

I then tell her to close her eyes, and she obeys willingly. Good thing she can't see coz...

In her eyes now, there is only sorrow and bitterness

In her eyes now, I am but a distant memory

In her eyes now, I am lost

And in her eyes now, there is only darkness

And then we kiss and everything seems to just disappear into insignificance...

The Most Beautiful Woman I've Seen...

"She's beautiful!" were the only words that came to my mind when I saw her. I didn't know her. She was standing about fifty feet away and totally oblivious to my presence. I can't seem to remember much about her. All I can remember is that she wasn't a woman of exceptional beauty. She was dressed down and there wasn't anything special about her save one thing, she was carrying a miracle.

Seeing her, it made me think of the future. How it would be like when God presents me with a miracle of my own. What would it feel like seeing it grow bigger and bigger inside her. Our own miracle as the result of our love together. His gift for the patience to make it through. For never stop believing in Him and ourselves. But more so I was thinking how it would be like when she's feeling all bloated and unattractive, maybe well into the final trimester, and she asks me "How do I look honey?" For a split second, I would probably think of a joke to say but then I'd hold back and instead say "You look beautiful Sayang"

And although she might not believe me, I'd know that then, she would be the most beautiful woman in my eyes. Only God will know how thankful I am to Him and how happy she makes me feel.

A colleague of mine showed me a couple pictures of his baby's ultrasound recently. I didn't pay much attention to the pictures as much as I did to his reaction of it all. He was really eager to show the pics to everyone, but not out of showing off but out of proudness. Proud that he would insyaAllah become a father soon. The look on his face was that of joy and not a bit of it betrayed his true feelings. And when you see someone like that, you can't help but be happy for them too.

Then, I'm taken back all over again to that time when I saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen...

I have a lot of secrets and things I never told you. You know that. This is one of them. Not because I didn't want to, but as I said, when the time comes. Maybe one day I'll manage to tell you everything or write them all out here. Maybe if you're still listening and reading then. But until then...

"Love is never lost.

If not reciprocated it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"

A Picture Frame...

There she was lying on my bed. She was sound asleep by now. Obviously tired from our day's activities. I have never seen anything more serene than her sleeping. She seemed so calm and tranquil, with that little smile on her face. She always had a smile on her face, even when sleeping. Which baffles me, but I welcome it as just another one of her uniqueness.

I was packing my bags for my trip home. Four years away, and now I'm finally coming back for good. Although a big part of me was reluctant to leave, since leaving would mean I'd be leaving my life here and most importantly, I'd be leaving her. We've never been a part, and the thought of being apart from her for such a significant amount of time, partly scares me. I'm worried if we'll ever make it to where I imagine we would, but then I stop myself from thinking too much into the future and continued packing.

The light from my dresser was the only illumination in that room. Yet somehow, the way it bounces off of her soft skin made it seem like she was glowing in the dimness. I suddenly had a strong desire to touch her.

Slowly, I propped myself on the bed next to her, being careful not to wake her up. She didn't. So I gradually leaned in so I could admire her closer. I smiled to myself and thought "Gosh, I'm so lucky to have you with me" I had no idea why, but just then my heart was beating so hard it felt like it would burst out of my chest. Coincidently, she startled from her peaceful sleep. Maybe she sensed my beating heart, or maybe she felt the movement of the bed. She didn't seem surprised to see me, or at least her reaction didn't show it. But what happened next did.

Steadily I leaned in even closer. Anticipating what I was about to do, she closed her eyes again and waited...

And I couldn't have asked for a more perfect fist kiss. The moment our lips first touch is something I'll remember for the rest of my life...

"Love can sometimes be magic.

But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion"

The Rough Edges

She's sitting on the single suite beside me. We're separated by both of our suites armrest. About a couple of feet or so apart. About a couple of feet too far for my liking. But the situation and venue called for it so I had to content myself with that.

She's animatedly telling me about her week. It's always entertaining to watch her like that. She has so much passion and it really shines through when she's storytelling, though she never admits that she's good at it. Instead she says that I'm the one that's better. There are times though that I do feel like she's talking a bit too much with her hands. Like her hands are always moving. "Urgh! Cant you just stay still for a bit and talk?!" I find myself thinking those thoughts. But then I realize that's only because I'm annoyed that I don't get to hold her hands. Which is kinda stupid when you think about it. 

Then as if reading my thoughts, she slowed down, leaned in and talked slower. I startle a bit but she doesn't notice. She's still telling me how frustrated she is with everything and she doesn't notice how fixated I am with her. All of a sudden, I'm totally mesmerized by the woman in front of me. And everything else around me seems to slowly fade into a blur of insignificance. 

I look deep into her big round eyes. Something about them pulls me in. Her eyes look tired. Lack of sleep maybe? Too much work? Both, she tells me later. Her cheeks aren't as puffy as they used to be I noticed. I remember how red they would glow every time I'd pinch them. I still love doing that, and she always squirms like a lil kid when I do. The lil dimples on her cheeks are still there when she smiles, and I can't help but smile a bit. Hope she doesn't notice I'm lost somewhere else now. Her lips are dry. The lower lips especially are chalking a bit. I didn't wanna break her thread so I restrained myself from commenting on them and the impulse to touch them. "I wonder what it would be like to kiss them" crossed my mind. I miss that feeling. The feeling when our lips are just touching. The first few moments of it. The softness of hers on mine. The rushing of blood through our bodies. How our hearts beats faster. And how nothing else matters after.

I get even more loss by imagining what it would be like if the situation was different. We would still be having the same conversation, but in a totally different setting. We would be more ourselves, with nothing to hide. We wouldn't be wearing the clothes we had or wearing the masks we did. We'd just be... us. And I know that looking at her then, with all her roughness exposed, and how comfortable she would be around me, and knowing that she was there with me, I couldn't have loved another woman more.

Then, just like that, it all went away and I was pulled back to that house in Ampang.

I think at a couple of points she did get a little perturbed because she leaned back for a bit and looked at me quizzically. But never once did I break eye contact with her. And being her, she brushed it aside and carried on with her story. 

Suddenly I heard Taylor Swift's song playing in my head...

A cause of celebration...

The night was winding down and it was getting late. But the both of us were still in each other's company. A problem we always had. Saying goodbye when the time comes. 

It started out with dinner with old school friends. Friends some of us hadn't seen for years. Such gathering were always fun as it was interesting to see how far some of my friends have come since college and how funny it is that some of them haven't changed a bit. We didn't sit together that night, as we usually did. Then again, that night wasn't usual either. 

We were different now...

After dinner we both opted for dessert at a small cozy place in town. She didn't really like that place the last time we went. But it seemed appropriate for the moment. None of us came with any expectation, but what came out of it really surprised me. We sat down and ordered. She had Iced Cappuccino, and I had hot chamomile tea. We both agreed to share the Black Forrest in Cup since we were still full from dinner earlier. 

So we talked... We asked each other how they're doing. I made some jokes. She'd hit me and we'd laughed. I showed her a song to listen to and her only response was a bizarre look on her face. We talked about the future, and what's to come, and for the rest of the time, just sat there next to each other. Making sure that we stayed off any heavy topics. It was ironic that despite how we said everything else was different now, we were still the same inside. And that night felt as if it was something that happened a long time ago. It was so natural.

Before  driving her home, there was one last place we went. There, she told me about her life and her struggles and I in turn listened attentively. She opened herself up more as time went by, we both felt that intimate connection that we once had. The spark that started it all. She placed her head on my lap and it almost felt like she was sinking into me. The weight of her head on my warm thigh was a feeling I dearly miss. I stroked and kissed her head. Told her that everything was going to be alright. And just for a moment, it really felt so. "I'm just too comfortable with you." she sobbed, trying to deny her true feelings. "I know..." I answered "I can't run away from you either. You're a really big part of me now" and we both fell silent afterwards.

I was really beginning to enjoy the moment, when suddenly she severed it short and pulled back. I felt an awful sense of loss but I didn't want to stop her as I understood that deep down, she was hurting too, and all I wanted to do, was to lessen it if not make it better. So I suppressed my urge to pull her back in. A move I later would regret. 

"But despite everything that has happened, I'm glad that you're still here." I said breaking the silence. "You've always been my best friend, and I hate to lose you over all this" I continued. I tried my best to conceal my true feelings, and finally I said "So... Friends?" She took a moment to ponder my question, although, really she didn't have to. But she did so to seem otherwise. Then, with a half smile she answered "Um!... Friends" and hope that I didn't notice that she said it in her most unnatural manner, but we both knew each other too well.

I opened my arms to her and we slowly embraced each other, and "Gosh this feels so good!" was the only thought going through my mind. "Thank you..." I whispered to her while we were still in each others arms "And I know this is early but I always wanted to say this to you in person, but never got the chance. So..." I could feel her eyes closed then. I guess she closed her eyes because she knew what was coming. "Selamat Hari Raya Anies. Forgive me for all my sins and all the wrongs that I did to you. Maaf Zahir dan Batin..." Just then, I felt her grip tightening on me, she knew the next words and I guess that was her way of telling me not to say them. But there wasn't any other words. Just silence.

I did say those words, but it was only on my lips. The fact that we were still hugging made it easier for me to hide it from her. Maybe she anticipated me to say them and was still waiting, but I started to feel my eyes welling up and I didn't want her to see me like that anymore, so I quickly wiped them dry before letting go of our embrace. 

She didn't say anything afterwards. I told her a story about the stars and warriors as we sitting outside that night, and what she meant to me. All the while, she had her eyes fixed on something in the distance. Was as if she had gone somewhere else, the past?, the future? or maybe she was just really listening. I couldn't tell which, so I continued. And she continued to remain silent. 

"Thank you again for tonight. It really means a lot to me... This is for you" I said as I handed her a small box and another item. She had a quizzed look on her and I couldn't help but smile "Don't you know me well enough by now lil' girl?" I thought to myself. She took the small box and the item, looked at them, then looked up to me and said "Thank you Aisamuddin." Those were her first words since we hugged and would turn out to also be her last that night. I wished her goodnight and told her to take care. She meekly nodded and exited the car.

I then drove off and disappeared into the dark night. And what would've been one of the most meaningful day of the year turned into one of the loneliness I have ever felt...

"Use me as you will,

Pull my strings just for a thrill,

And I know I'll be okay,

Though my skies are turning grey"

Rain of Desire

It's been raining earlier last night, and I have yet to update my blog this week. So I thought I'd write something about it since there's always something about the rain that I like, apart from curling up on the bed and sleeping that is. Something about it is so magical. So I let my mind fly and this is what came out...

I sit atop my mountain perch, and look out at the glorious view,

In the distance I can see the fast coming darkness of storm clouds, 

A low sound of thunder, and a slight flash of lightning tickle my senses,

The coppery scent of what is to come, brings a smile to my face,

Soon the clouds powerful attack on the unyielding earth will be upon me

The wind blows strong against my face, as if warning me that the battle is near,

I lay down on the smooth rocks that is my vantage point, and stare up into the sky

Soon, the sound of thunder grows louder

And just as soon, the crackle of lightning illuminates that which is all around me

I close my eyes as the first drop of rain pelts my face

The feeling is like a touch, but ever so brief

A touch as if from a lover

My face is touched again, but now more frequently

And soon, it becomes more like caress... all over my face

The wind blows through my hair, as if from a lover's fingers

Then my lips feel the wetness... of a lover's kiss

I feel my lover upon my neck, and a warmth begins to grown inside

I take a sudden breath, as I feel my lover all around me

A thunderous sound of passion echoes through the valley

And the brightness of this passion flashes for all to see

My heart rase, as I take in this moment of desire

I want to remain just like this... forever

But then... just as quickly as it began... my lover has stopped.

I slowly open my eyes to find my lover gone

Sitting up, I see that the storm clouds have moved east

The battle between the clouds and the earth rages elsewhere now

And then... a thought enters my mind

A smile forms across my face, as I ponder this thought

The thought that perhaps the deep, powerful clouds

and the strong unyielding earth, are not in battle at all.

That instead, they are simply... making love

I had a really strong feeling about last night. A spiritual one. I don't know if it was it, but I know I woke up feeling really sad that I didn't make the best of it...

 "Bitter heart, bitter heart, tries to keep it all inside,

 Bitter heart, bitter heart, shadows will help you try to hide,

 Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile,

 Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine."